sigh

Maybe someday, someone will "get it" - why talk about things, if 48 hours later it will be as if we're in the exact same place we were before the discussion?

It's more aggravating than I can ever communicate to be "running in circles" - and not being able to pinpoint the fear that has rendered me immobile.

i literally cannot voice it, but i can feel the pressure building up inside me, and I have a feeling i should be more afraid of what will happen if I don't do something about it quick.

On a lighter note, my home is my haven. I've decorated for the Holidays and here's a tour...

argh!

I don't want this season of my life to just pass me by because I'm so busy or emotionally shut down to accept it for what it is and find the happiness that can be found in it.

But I find that no matter how hard I try, everything going on in my little world right now is insistent on bearing down all the pressure possible onto me. Pressure on mind, my will, my emotions and my body, and is hell bent on stealing my joy. I used to welcome pressure, because it made me stronger, but now - now I think it's breaking me...

Dare I commit to black and white my fears, doubts and true feelings - what if someone read them!?! gasp. Is it all just a big lie? Am I actually just a pretender? At this moment in time I'm really not too sure about anything at all. Not even what I'm afraid of? What am I afraid of really, being destroyed? no - in this state of mind - utter destruction feels like a sweet escape...

as a person of faith, how do I reconcile my humanity with myself? I'm completely overwhelmed and freaking out on everyone all the time, and my world keeps spinning,spinning, spinning and everything is so big, so fast and so out of my control, I can't get my footing - i can't even get a moment to catch my breath. I'm afraid I'm changing into the person I fear becoming.

I have no one to talk to because my partner and best friend is changing too and my place in his life is not what is was. When I try to verbalise it, there's no soft place to fall, and he looks at me like I'm going crazy. I just have to BE something I'm not, because I don't really know who I am right now, and that's just not acceptable.

trying to embrace the element of faith in "rolling it over to jesus" just doesn't seem to be enough right now - I can't barely stand still enough to remember to "cast my cares" let alone do it, leave it and move on.

and what's with this whole "Die to Self, Die to Self, Die, die, die in order to truly live" mantra that repeats itself in my head? As a concept - it doesn't seem to be working for me. I feel like i just can't die, die, die - without losing all of my identity and stability along the way. Heaven forbid I be weak, and wretched and afraid - this grace has trapped me...

Does no one notice? In my day to day life I'm rarely relaxed these days. I'm frustrated and angry more often than truly happy in the moment. I have no interest in planning annual events that used to inspire me, I have no interest in adding anything to my life. I could care less about being inspired, I'd be happy with a break. I'd rather be alone and watch tv or read so i don't have to face my reality? I have little interest in going out - though I know I need it - and my soul screams for it, when i have the oppourtunity to go out, I'm overwhelmed by choices - so i do nothing at all. I'm barely creating anything - my last blog was in July, and they were becoming more sporadic before that. I haven't scrapbooked in over a year, no poetry, no new music - nothing. dark, dark, dark - and everyone who would help me look to Jesus in the past, is well - i've done such a good job in the past, that I don't think anyone sees how much I need rescuing now.

The only times I'm truly alive are when i'm leading worship/ singing (and only in certain perameters) and I think that's because that's the only time I'm truly lost in Him and free from all the pressure... but the strings attached to that simple happiness are becoming too strong for me1. the only other times i truly escape are when i'm with the boys and I ignore or pretend that I don't have anything outside of them. Unfortunately that does not last either, because the responsibilities i ignore in those times just become deferred and end up being thrown on the pile of things creating the pressure that's killing me...

Don't tell me to "talk about it" - please just shut up - this is me talking about it, it's out, it's in black and white, i can leave it here and if need be, tomorrow I can delete it. but for now, i've done what i probably should have done weeks and weeks ago - and maybe i'll come back tomorrow and write some more, from a different side of the vortex that is all bright, shiny and full of hope... but today - this is what it is, so just shut up, ok?

this is a pic of Chris' Great Aunt Fern - she's 90something and she's one of my hero's. More on Aunt Fern to come...

stuck

strI think I'm stuck. Stuck in a funk. It's burning out my creativity and slowing trying to eat away at any general optimism and zest for life. I've noticed that lately I'm reading a lot. And I mean a lot - literally a book a day - mostly fiction - which is a bad sign, it means that I'm trying to escape something, that I've been avoiding being alone with myself. Which is odd, because for months I've LONGED for alone time. But having 3 small children and a husband working crazy hours prevented that from happening. So all the things that I should've been thiking about and "working through" did not get thought about or worked through.

So here I am, as the song goes - "stuck in a moment" - where I am unable to move forward - so I've decided to blog as much of it out as i can.

I've got this project I've been mulling over for more than 2 years now - it's a book, that I know I need to write - but as I've attemped to free it from the quagmire in my soul - I realize that I must deal with the quagmire first-then free the book.

Knowing that I'm probably either just shy of peri-menopause and/or just plain off, balance horomonally due to three successive pregnancies - all of this could just tbe the rantings resulting from the off kilter place i find myself in and once i resume taking my supplements, and then I'll feel better. But I have that deeper knowing, that i'm on to something bigger here.

first subject - why am I not doing more things that leave my soul at happy? Ok evken in writing that line, i'm at odds with myself, because i do sing, I do love being with my kids, i do love being in nature, my garden, cooking, reading, writing...and i'm doing a little bit of those things everyday. OK - so it's not that. I know I'm frustrated at myself for not using my alone time in the evenings more effectively... hmmm, tick one off for t

Secondly, I've noticed I don't like how i've been talking lately - too aggressive.

Third - i've super sensitive at being treated poorly - do I just take it, and get tougher, or do i try to deal with it? Neither seems to be working...

Fourth - I'm tired, tired of juggling home, work, a business and all the rest. i liked it so much back when I wasn't juggling so much, I've been dropping alot of balls lately, and yeah - i'm tired of it - and the thought that there's no end in sight - is killing me.

I'm sure there's more, but it's Sunday, and it's a work day, and I'm stirring up things that are not helpful to do my job well by making this list...

So, how to deal, Jesus, how to deal? today, I go to Oswald. Oswald Chambers that
is - July 26th - and all I can say is ouch.

matthew 15:18-20 - those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart...

Initially we trust in our ignorance, calling it innocence, and next we trust our innocence, calling it purity. When we read verses like that, we shrink back...

We resent what He (jesus) reveals in our hearts. Either Jesus Christ is the supreme authority of the human heart, or He is not worth paying any attention to. Am I prepared to trust the penetration of His Word into my heart, or would I prefer to trust my own "innocent ignorance"? If i will take an honest look at myself becoming fully aware of my so-called innocence and put it to the test, I am very likely to have a rude awakening that what jesus christ said is true, and i will be appalled at the possibilities for evil within me. But as long a remain under the false security of my own "innocence", I am living in a fool's paradise....when i am open and completely exposed before God, i find that Jesus Christ is right in His diagnosis of me.

The only thing that truly provides protection is the redemption of Jesus Christ. If I will simply hand myself over to Him, i will never have to experience the terrible possibilities that lie within my heart. Purity is something far too deep for me to arrive at naturally. but when the Holy Spirit comes into me, He brings into the center of my personal life the very Spirit that was exhibitied in the life of Jesus Christ, namely, the Holy Spirit, which is absolute, unblemished purity.

i take a big deep breath...and throw myself into the arms of Jesus, the arms of grace.

365 days

was it really just a year ago that i was at your bedside saying goodbye?
the dull throaty feeling is gone when I think about you, but it's been replaced by a shadowy soft sadness that is always there in the background, like a whisper.

I think it's what's left of the imprint you've left on my heart and when I think about you, it's like a scar, the pain is gone, but I still feel it and the memory is sweetly sad.

there have been so many countless moments when I've wanted to talk to you,
When I wanted you to just hold my hand again and mimi...oh daddy i miss you so

With you lie all the memories of my girlhood.

my memory is filled with visions of running through the dewy grass of your fresh cut lawn, dappled sunshine under your grapevines, watching you eat a tomato like an apple, bbq dinners on the red and white patio, walking at twilight,
bike rides and soft icecream cones,

the grassy beaches of Lake Erie when we were camping
sitting around the fire
I miss your story telling, and how we'd always miss the punch lines because you'd already be laughing so hard that we didn't understand you...
I miss the days of you me, Jenny and the "dinggy" at Rondeau
Hearing the explosion of your Ford each morning when you started it and knowing it scared all the neighbour kids
I miss your silly songs and even your lectures about Greece

I know that you'd just love getting to know Lucas, Max and Carter more each day,
especially since I see so many glimpses of you in them

I wish that I could still thank you again and again,
for giving me such a rich childhood and for raising me right
for driving home the values of respect, to love mom and my family, hard work, integrity, loyalty, forgiveness, laughter, faithfulness... and grace
and if I could go back and do anything over...

I would make sure that you were as much a part of my early adulthood as you were my early years

I'd live more like I hope I am now,
with a painful awareness that each and every day is a gift, and that I should make the most of each moment and love the people in my life because here i am, and it's already been 365 days, and it feels like I just said goodbye yesterday...

I'll never stop loving you, and I'll never forget you,

I will see you again, and until then, I know that as you see me from that "great cloud of witnesses" you are full of the Glory of the One who will help me run this race with endurance.

love, mimi

What the...? sigh

If I could slow down the pace of my life I think I'd have more energy to blog, but alas no matter how often I try to scale back my schedule, it's full again before the day is through. Today I'd say my colour mood is purple, a littittle morose, a little hopeful and on the edge of exhausted frustration. Mostly frustrated with things I cannot change (other people) and therefore it is useless to meditate on this fact for too long. Morose slightly because the other side of my exhaustion I become very vulnerable. I'm unsure of myself, and therefore toy with the idtea of walking away from it all and spending my days in the unadulterated bliss of singleminded homemaking/motherhood.

Of course, that tangent is short lived as Diana Krall's song from the early 90's... "Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again" begins running through my mind, and I think, if I'm smart I will put on some music and start on the pile of "to do lists" for work, the business, home, etc. sitting on my counter. I will attack the lists - but maybe I should ponder the wonder of my life as mom and wife - sister and daughter - friend and woman... or I could just eat a cookie and turn on American Idol. Not sure which train of thought will win. All I know is that this random short rant has helped me not feel quite so frustrated and purple - now I'm a periwinkle blue, for sure (that's the content blue colour :))

Alas, another 3 months was swallowed in the faster than I can handle pace that my life has been chugging along at. It's February already - Carter turned one, Max 3, no holiday blog, no New Years note, no reflections on 6 months without dad, no thoughts on the inauguration of President Obama, though my thoughts on all of them have been vast, many and deep. And I have had the urge to write, I just haven't.

Last fall, I knew that the pace of my life was going to be faster than previously lived, I chose to savour the moments of life as they came rather than lament over not having the time or energy left to maintain a blog or scrapbook. I did take many pictures, and journalled a bit, so now I can go back and do that. I enjoyed the hugs and the meals, the moments with friends, the crying, the laughing - the frustrations and the exhilerating moments. I went tobogganing and organized the business. I've made plans and celebrated the milestones with exhuburance...I've treasured my life, my friends, my peace and my hope in the quiet moments and enjoyed the warmth of friendship and love as best I could.

Today we took a sick day. Though none of us is "can't get out of bed sick" - I kept Lucas, Max and Carter home with me today, because I've sensed the past week or so that we all needed a break. We're all on the cusp of colds, and in need of a little TLC - the snow falling outside (again) was the additional motivation to stay indoors. I promised the boys a nice long bath, and lot's of cuddles (as well as much needed naps for all of us - though they don't know about that yet). Chris is in Boston - another trade show, and though the list of "To Do" grows by the minute - today I've declared a Home Day, and if I get to that list, great - if not - it's home day - I'll only let the outside world in when I'm good and ready.

It's been a wonderful 3 months. Wonderful.