Yesterday was one of those days.
It started out ok...
Then quickly spiraled down and out of control.
The oldest boy had ATTITUDE.
The middle boy was EMOTIONAL with ATTITUDE.
The youngest boy was WHINY.
They were all fighting, running in the house, making wrong choices.
The baby was cranky...teething? diaper rash? fussy?
All of the above.
Even the dog was annoying.
That morning I'd been reminded of a few personal setbacks...
Waves of worry, fear, doubting self, doubting God...
Feeling like the little we had, would never be enough to meet the need.
Feeling unsettled, words in my mind wearing away at the Peace
That usually keeps me calm in the midst of these storms.
Feeling pretty ugly inside and out.
So I kept losing my cool...
I've blocked it from my memory.
We were all ready for a change of pace, a change of scenery.
I remember driving to the organic farm to pick up the veggies
On the verge of tears.
At the farm, the dear farmer sensed my duress.
She made me laugh.
A moment outside of the moment.
She encouraged me like only a mama of mamas can.
We drove home in almost silence. A hymn was playing on the radio.
The quiet was needed...appreciated.
The baby had fallen asleep.
The boys were not fighting, not even talking.
I pulled into the drive.
Thinking about what to make for dinner.
Giving instructions for unloading the veggies...
The middle boy was not in the van...
Call the farmer.
He's there. Relief.
Drive 25 mins back there to get him.
Beat myself up most of the way.
Afterall...how could I not notice he wasn't in the van?!
I really felt like crying on the way home again.
Decided, that the day was basically lost now
A lost day...
When I should have loved my kids better...
When I should have been gentle, and kind.
And now it was half hour to bedtime...
No time to make dinner...
MacDonald's it is.
At least the boys were thrilled.
I beat myself up for not providing a healthier dinner.
In the drive-thru...I had to dig into the recesses of my wallet to pay.
Tucked inside a pocket, was shoved one of these.
I haven't seen one in years.
(for my American friends - we have dollar coins here)
For some reason, it reminded me of my dad.
How his hands hardened by work, would always offer to give me money.
When I was around 9 and first allowed to ride my bike to the corner store.
When I was 16 and driving the car and needed gas.
When I was visiting home from college and always in need of a little extra cash.
How on a day like this, he would have put his arms around me...
And the world would have felt better again.
Sometimes we'd just sit in the garden, quiet.
I thought about how much I miss those hands,
How that final goodbye felt a few short years ago...
How much I wanted my daddy at that moment.
Mercy, the tears would not stop...
I almost had to pull over the van.
Then the kindest whisper...
A reminder really.
That there was another set of hands...
Hands that were not only work hardened...
Hands, eagerly waiting for me to surrender the day
Ready to provide,
Ready to take fish and bread, and meet those needs and more.
Restoring peace, reminding me of Eternity
and how my earthly daddy lives there now, with Him.
Redeeming the day, in a moment.
Making the world feel better again.
Oh how wonderful to to fall into my Heavenly Father's Hands
To be enveloped in His grace and mercy.
But as for me, I trust You, oh Lord,
I say,"You are my God"
My Times are in your hand...
And as the day came to a close,
Kissing soft cheeks, whispering thanks
whispering "I love yous"
Watching the steady rise and fall of little bodies at rest.
Peace...I am still.
Knowing the day is saved, and a new one is at hand.
A new one, that is in His hand,
As I am.
As I am.