Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Made me Glad
I will bless the Lord at all times
That's a pretty strong statement. How often do I sing it with oh such feeling and good intention, but when it comes right down to the nitty gritty of life, it's way to easy to complain rather than bless.
I look back at the last year of my life, and I am truly grateful for health (esp. that of my boys) and God's grace and provision. however, it has not been easy and I've not been myself. I don't know if it's a combination of the grief of losing my dad in 2008 and the regrets that only the passage of time can soften, or if it's the mid-thirty drift (heart, mind, horomones)- but somewhere I lost or put down my joy, and I didn't even realize it. It's been a struggle to truly enjoy each and every day - now i would not say i've been depressed (because I remember 1996 thankyou very much and never want to go back there) - no, but i remember feeling truly connected to myself, even when the world around me was uncertain and dark - i was sure and full. I enjoyed the smallest things, really enjoyed them. One of them was writing, another was going out, dressing up, cooking, decorating - and now, well, now
Perhaps its the toll of all the changes that last 2 years have brought finally catching up with me - gaining, losing, hurting, healing, losing again, fighting, letting go, giving up, surrendering, picking up, dusting off, trying again....
or it could just be the reality of me having to deal with issues I've long avoided... anyways, I remember that girl, the one I was and I'm wondering where she went, because the one looking at me from the mirror, well, she's just not me...
The great thing is though, that it won't be hard to find her, because she's been whispering to me all along (and of course, the Holy Spirit has been whispering to her all along too).
everything feels like WORK