I don't want this season of my life to just pass me by because I'm so busy or emotionally shut down to accept it for what it is and find the happiness that can be found in it.
But I find that no matter how hard I try, everything going on in my little world right now is insistent on bearing down all the pressure possible onto me. Pressure on mind, my will, my emotions and my body, and is hell bent on stealing my joy. I used to welcome pressure, because it made me stronger, but now - now I think it's breaking me...
Dare I commit to black and white my fears, doubts and true feelings - what if someone read them!?! gasp. Is it all just a big lie? Am I actually just a pretender? At this moment in time I'm really not too sure about anything at all. Not even what I'm afraid of? What am I afraid of really, being destroyed? no - in this state of mind - utter destruction feels like a sweet escape...
as a person of faith, how do I reconcile my humanity with myself? I'm completely overwhelmed and freaking out on everyone all the time, and my world keeps spinning,spinning, spinning and everything is so big, so fast and so out of my control, I can't get my footing - i can't even get a moment to catch my breath. I'm afraid I'm changing into the person I fear becoming.
I have no one to talk to because my partner and best friend is changing too and my place in his life is not what is was. When I try to verbalise it, there's no soft place to fall, and he looks at me like I'm going crazy. I just have to BE something I'm not, because I don't really know who I am right now, and that's just not acceptable.
trying to embrace the element of faith in "rolling it over to jesus" just doesn't seem to be enough right now - I can't barely stand still enough to remember to "cast my cares" let alone do it, leave it and move on.
and what's with this whole "Die to Self, Die to Self, Die, die, die in order to truly live" mantra that repeats itself in my head? As a concept - it doesn't seem to be working for me. I feel like i just can't die, die, die - without losing all of my identity and stability along the way. Heaven forbid I be weak, and wretched and afraid - this grace has trapped me...
Does no one notice? In my day to day life I'm rarely relaxed these days. I'm frustrated and angry more often than truly happy in the moment. I have no interest in planning annual events that used to inspire me, I have no interest in adding anything to my life. I could care less about being inspired, I'd be happy with a break. I'd rather be alone and watch tv or read so i don't have to face my reality? I have little interest in going out - though I know I need it - and my soul screams for it, when i have the oppourtunity to go out, I'm overwhelmed by choices - so i do nothing at all. I'm barely creating anything - my last blog was in July, and they were becoming more sporadic before that. I haven't scrapbooked in over a year, no poetry, no new music - nothing. dark, dark, dark - and everyone who would help me look to Jesus in the past, is well - i've done such a good job in the past, that I don't think anyone sees how much I need rescuing now.
The only times I'm truly alive are when i'm leading worship/ singing (and only in certain perameters) and I think that's because that's the only time I'm truly lost in Him and free from all the pressure... but the strings attached to that simple happiness are becoming too strong for me1. the only other times i truly escape are when i'm with the boys and I ignore or pretend that I don't have anything outside of them. Unfortunately that does not last either, because the responsibilities i ignore in those times just become deferred and end up being thrown on the pile of things creating the pressure that's killing me...
Don't tell me to "talk about it" - please just shut up - this is me talking about it, it's out, it's in black and white, i can leave it here and if need be, tomorrow I can delete it. but for now, i've done what i probably should have done weeks and weeks ago - and maybe i'll come back tomorrow and write some more, from a different side of the vortex that is all bright, shiny and full of hope... but today - this is what it is, so just shut up, ok?
