Monday, July 19, 2010

Hard shift left - learning to drive, again

My love bought 'a new car.

It is a standard aka stick shift.

It's a pretty little Jetta and sometimes I think he loves her.

Yes, it's a her. He named her...and for the life of me, i can't remember her name right now...

Ramona, Gertrude, Marion...i just can't remember.

He lovingly caresses her and takes her for beauty treatments (waxing) regularly...

He bought her when there was still snow on the ground with ice. so I couldn't drive her then for safety reasons because I haven't driven standard since I was 18 and my girlfriend Lynda and drove her little standard car from Chatham to Ottawa to visit her then boyfriend, who she later married for spring break...that was one great trip.

Anyways, back to the car.

SO my love gave me ONE lesson where he used alot of words like RPMs and ratios, etc which to my not-so mathematical mind sounded like Mandarin (the language not the restaurant) and therefore did not stick. The lesson however was great, he was very patient and helpful and i felt ok when we were done. The next lesson, about a week later, he was not so patient and expected me to remember all of the aforementioned Mandarin terms and such including the idiosyncracies of the car - so although we did not fight (i did stall the car about 15 times in the busy Dairy Queen parking lot, and I'm sure he was embarrassed and such. I was just irritated that he as a teacher was not consistent... so i refused to drive with him again...aned a few weeks of the precious nice weather passed without me driving...

My "newer" friend Becky took me out in the Jetta instead (by newer i mean, we've known each other for about 13 years or more, but not as good friends - but the year 2010 has brought me the blessing of Becky's friendship). So we've gone for a few driving sessions (many of them providing both of us the much needed therapy that only good solid belly bouncing, tear jerking laughter provides. Due to the timing or lack of timing in regards to shifting, gearing up out of neutral, of stalling in all the wrong places, jerking, squealling, etc.

and then the day came.

Becky said I was ready to start driving alone.

I don't want to drive alone.

I think my love doesn't believe Becky (though he implicitly trusts her with matters of business, funny i think)

I think my love is more concerned about his car than he is about the safety of his wife.

I think he would rather I drive the gas guzzling family van that I've been driving since our family grew to the number 5. even though he argued the savings in mileage when he felt he needed to justify purchasing a car that i can't drive...

I think this because I see a glint of fear in his eye when i take the keys...i hear it in his hestitation when I mention i'd like to take her out for a the fact that he calls her "his car" and the van "my car" - even though we both purchased both vehicles and continue to pay for them...

So, it's stolen a confidence from me and again I haven't driven her for weeks, i feel like I maybe have forgotten how to drive her again. Maybe I need Becky to take her out with me again...maybe Becky should just come and live with us all the time so I never will need to drive her alone, ever. Truth be told, i can't be bothered. i

I know there is a connection between this, and my personal life. I'm in a very weird insecure place right now. I want to find that girl who drove to Ottawa after one driving lesson. I want to be in charge of my life again - not in my own way - but in God's way for me. I feel like I've given my power to others, and now I hesitate to step out on my own with I need a Becky to get me in the drivers seat of my own life...I know that the road He wants me travel will only have me end up in the very best places...and one day soon, watch out, I will say to heck with the rest of you (including all those fearful words that seem to be on repeat in my head) - I'm driving this damn car and someday i will love it, because with enough practice I'll be able to enjoy the drive and the view too!

No comments:

Search This Blog